Helloooo and welcome to this short trip inside the church. We’ll start from the last pew, progress to the heart of the congregation, and end it at the sanctum-sanctorum; the pastor’s pulpit. Just take some pure water to cool your patched throat as we get ready to set off.
It’s Sunday, and again, the church is filled to capacity with not even a single pew to spare. By the end this trip, we will be better placed to mention at least, five different types of people in this congregation. Again, we should also be able to ‘arrest’ the bulldozer that has pulled this crowd here today. In other words, our mission here is to investigate and diagnose the complex reasons that have dragged such a colossal number to this church service. That sounds interesting! Doesn’t it? Perfect!
We can’t achieve our mission here without first, finding the definition of ‘church’. Could you please walk stealthily to the reverend minister’s pulpit and steal his dictionary for me? Good job! The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English defines ‘church’ as ‘a BUILDING for public christian WORSHIP’. However, the Longman Dictionary of ‘Contemporary Christians’ has redefined the word. Oops! I nearly digressed. Let’s enter the church and set the ball rolling.
Seated on our immediate right is Sister Doris. She’s here because that’s what her Sunday timetable commands. According to her schedule, she’s supposed to be in church every Sunday morning. To her, Sunday Church service is a mere routine dictated by her timetable. She can’t recall the last time she read the Bible. She just concluded a serious verbal brawl with Sister Matilda, but has promised the fight will continue after church service. She has close to fifty of her type here.
On our right is Uncle Daniel. Last Saturday, he was at Andy Cole’s boutique to grab a new suit. And today, he’s here to showcase it to the world.
Madam Joycelyn, the woman sitting on the last pew on our far right, is a perfect definition of the word ‘broke’. She’s here for money. She has been assured that, by dropping her last ten cedis in the offertory bowl, she’ll get ten times the amount. So she’s here to put God’s magic to test.
Ok. Let’s take a few steps forward. I have also sighted Sister Helena in the middle of the congregation. She owes sister Alice, Aunty Agnes and brother Joel. They have sworn heaven and earth they’ll take their money today. She’s here with her heavily-indebted friends to seek an asylum. They’re twenty in all.
Behind sister Helena are Brother Jerome and his wife, Sister Alana. After five years of marriage, they have not had a child. They’re in church today to beseech the Merciful One to bless them with one. And thereafter, it’s only their ghosts that will be found at church on Sundays. Uncle James and Sister Patience are also here with their their own problems. Theirs is neither sterility nor barrenness. They’re battling deadly infections. And they have been told the church is their last stop. Are they here because of their love for God or their readiness to worship him?
On the pew behind us are Uziel and Gabriel. They’re not only drunkards. They are also the most astute womanisers the world has ever seen. But they are here. Not because they’re quitting the profession. They believe once they’re in church every Sunday, they automatically secure a ticket to heaven. And that, by extension, means they will swerve hell’s inferno.
I just spotted Clifford too. Kaii! Oh okay. I understand. He’s here to finish off a task he couldn’t complete last Sunday. Last week, he met a fine lady here who promised to go home with him come rain or shine today. Hopefully, his bed will be busy tonight. He came with his brother, Charles. Charles is not here to import a woman home. He has come to fulfill a promise he made to the pastor and some members of the church. That, he will be in church at least, once in every six months.
And on this note, we officially end today’s trip. But wait! Could the man sitting behind the Reverend Dante be elder Joseph? Wow! He was last seen here in September 2014. Since those hard-core criminals broke in here and stole our drums, he has never stepped here. He might have heard we would bring in new drums today. Oh! So he’s only here to dance and have fun? Whose primary responsibility is it to cure this error? The pastor’s. But on his lips are prosperity message, instead of salvation message. End of trip.
THE CHURCH MUST BE CLOSED DOWN!
End of trip.